Boomer Mom in 1955 - Note to Paula Deen

A Note to Paula Deen 

I lived in Birmingham, Alabama from the time I was born until I was seven with my Mama (grandmother) and my Uncle Billy. My parents were divorced. My mother had my older brother and my father's mother had custody of me. My mother and my brother went to Morocco with my step-father for two of those years, and when they came back they took me to live with them. My step-father was transferred to Malstrom AFB, Montana.

That was a big change for this little Southern girl. The winters were brutal there. We were enrolled in school and I was entering the 2nd grade. The first time we went to church at the base chapel, we came home with new testaments and rosary beads. It seems, mother had mixed up the times and sent us to the Catholic Sunday School. Mother and Daddy Earl were beside themselves, but I enjoyed it so much, I wanted to go back the next Sunday. Mother said that I shouldn't associate with Catholics, because they were strange people and not like us.

During the time with my grandmother,  I hardly ever saw a black person, and no children that I can remember. When I went to school in Montana, it was the first time I remember seeing and meeting people of other races. Mother put me in Brownies so that I could meet more girls to play with. I made friends fast, but there was one little girl that I was fascinated with. Veronica was so cute and sweet and I just loved her.

So, being a girl, I brought her home after school one day. Mother had a funny look on her face when I introduced Veronica. It must have been because Veronica was black. I never noticed. She was sweet, kind, pretty, and had the cutest pigtails. We chatted incessantly like little girls do and had a grand time playing with our paper dolls. 

Veronica's mother called for her to come home. While she was leaving, my stepfather came home. He was polite when I introduced him to Veronica, but he did not smile like he usually did with children. After Veronica and I hugged, she left. I was so happy to have a new friend.

Daddy Earl told me to come over and sit next to him. He told me that Veronica could not come back to our house. I didn't understand why not and told him so. He said that it was because she was black and his people didn't have anything to do with Negros. Since I was 7 yrs old, I didn't know what a Negro was. He explained to me that they weren't the kind of people I would want anyone seeing me be friendly with. I cried myself to sleep that night.

I was heartbroken. Veronica was still my friend and Mother ended up letting her come over sometimes after school, because Daddy Earl didn't get home until after 5 p.m. She didn't come much, but mother let me go to her house some. She was in my class at school and we were Brownies together. We were even in Sunday School together.

Mother and Daddy Earl wanted me to be happy there with my brother too. I think Daddy Earl knew that I was still friends with Veronica, but didn't want to acknowledge it.

Later, when he was assigned to a radar site in England, Mother, Sonny, and I went to live in a little town in Mississippi called Leland. Since I was 9 yrs old, I knew a little more about races then.

Then I met Daddy Earl's nieces and nephews. The schools there were segregated in Leland and, of course, there were no black children in my school. It was 1957 and things were so segregated that there were separate bathrooms. Even water fountains were segregated.

The cousins were awful and called the little black children horrible names when we were walking home from school. Sometimes I would run home crying. It was hard for me to understand.

As I grew up, I learned that I shouldn't associate with Jewish people because they killed Christ. I did not find out Christ was a Jew until later. Mother did not want me to associate with Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, etc., because her Uncle Roscoe was on the Alabama when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.

In high school, in Canton Mississippi, one of my best friends was a Chinese girl and when we were in Columbus Mississippi, my best friends were Beverly Powers (Catholic) and Linda Schlansky (Jewish)

We then moved to Bessemer, Alabama, and during my senior year, our school at Hueytown was desegregated. There were only two black girls, who were freshmen. I felt so sorry for them. People were always saying unkind things about them, and I am sure they were lies, but hateful just the same. I tried to talk to them, but they were so scared. I wanted to hold them and comfort them so much.

I ended up marrying a guy in the Air Force and working for the Air Force for almost 30 years. I can say that I heard slights about people of other races, but I tried to disassociate myself from bigots. I found that it was almost impossible. Some people are so bigoted, like one unfortunate fellow that thought I was a "Dumb Blonde." Calling people names is not the way to Heaven. It is insensitive and mean.

I loved my parents very much, despite their bigotry. I would never do anything to upset them, so when I became divorced in my 40's, I would not date men of other races. Not because I did not want to, but because I was afraid I would get involved or married to someone my parents would not approve of. I am sure they would have told me not to come home if I brought someone who was Black, Catholic, Jewish, Oriental, etc.

They felt the same way about Gays, then my baby brother, Paul turned out to be Gay. Daddy Earl forbid him from coming home for a while. But then when he got ill, he was allowed to come home so they could take care of him.  He was one of the first people in the United States to have HIV and then AIDS. He died in 1989 and I think things were different for the whole family after that.

I have found out that those bigoted people suddenly became different when the black person is their grandchild. Grandchildren are special.

Even now, almost over 50 years later, I don't understand. There are some people that I do not care for, but it has nothing to do with what color they are. It has to do with who they are on the inside. I usually disassociate myself from unkind people. My philosophy is "When there is a choice, choose Kindness."

I love Paula Deen. She cooks like my grandmother, how could she be bad? She did not have the opportunity to travel around the world when she was growing up. She was in the Deep South and I am sure that the "N" word was used a lot when she was growing up. She has such a good heart, I cannot imagine here being hateful or mean to anyone. If she said the word, I can forgive her. We must forgive, as much for the other person as for ourselves.

The media seems to be running our country these days. If they say people are bad, we all seem to believe it. Paula Deen is not bad. She has worked very hard for a long time to get where she is. She came from being a single mom of two boys to a Cooking Star with lots of endorsements from all over. Even when she made the snafu of not telling everyone she had diabetes, we forgave her. Besides, if it was from a deposition that it was discovered she said this heinous word, who broke the confidentiality of that deposition. They should go to jail for contempt.

I know you may not agree with me, but we are all allowed our opinion in this country. As I said in the Facebook comment. "You who are without sin, cast the first stone." I don't think any of us can fulfill that statement. We all make  mistakes, I even forgave my stepfather for his bigotry and his terrible temper. If I can do that, you can forgive Paula Deen. Let us quit bashing her.

Can you imagine how she is feeling? I can. I remember a time in my life when I was so upset, I had to hide to keep my mouth shut. I can only imagine the heartbreak she is going through.

Ladies, she is a Woman Who has Made It. She apologized for the things she said, lets move on. Not enough women are role models, let Paula clean up her act and get back to cooking. Those businesses that are dropping her, have dropped me. I will not be going to any of them or buying their products until they apologize to Paula Deen for trying to ruin her.

#BoomerMom

Paula Deen and Me

Paula Deen,
I hope you are having a great day. Do you have special days that were important to you? Was there something going on in the world that helps you remember those things. Author and Television Personality, Paula Deen, has been raked over the coals this past week. I put my feelings on Facebook and you need to see the response. I don't think anyone has ever responded to anything I have written like they have this. I just cannot respond to this today but will in the very near future. Thought you should see this. As a Boomer, it is that same old story, no one knows what to do. My response at this time is: "If you have a choice, choose kindness." Below is what I wrote and the response to it:

Barbara Duke

Saturday at 9:34am near Newport News ·

Roy Stockdill, Roxanne Jones Mays, Julie Scarlett and 11 others like this.

Daniel Mordue What she did as far as diabetes goes is peanuts compared to the trouble she's in for having said a bad word, a racial slur that she said a LONG LONG time ago and no longer uses. She is still a good woman and does NOT deserve to be raked over the coals for this,

TY Baker · Friends with Bridget Heckman and 1 other

Barbara Duke I'm disappointed that you condone it because "it was a part of everyday language". I don't believe for a second that everyone used it at some point but then maybe I have more faith in people's character than you do. So, according to you she used the word along time ago so it doesn't matter now. What's the statute of limitations on racism? You seem to skim over the fact that it's not just she used the word, it was an integral part of who she is, her management staff and their business practices. So she continued to condone the people she hired, her brother and others use of the word and verbal, sexual and physical violence in the workplace. But, should that get a pass too? She told the truth because she was under oath, when the allegations were first made a year ago her people denied them...they lied. Read the deposition before you defend someone over hearsay who isn't worthy of being defended. Yes, we all make mistakes this is not a mistake it is a systematic part of her character or lack thereof. I can assure you the Food Network isn't worried if you cancel because they stand on principles that are foreign too Paula Deen and people who want to chalk it up to a "mistake". Or my favorite of your reasoning it was "Who in the South didn't use the word at some time"...For the record I'm AA, from the South and I loved Paula Deen watched her show every Saturday like clockwork. She repeatedly condoned the management team she hired sexual, verbal and physical in addition to racial on her employees for years. You should really do better Barbara!

Stephen Dimmick Thank you

Renee Miller I am not AA or from the south and I am appalled that people still think this way. When I hear people say things that Barbara duke has shared here I am embarrassed for them as a fellow human being. I absolute HATE that word. It is so denigrating and debasing to human beings and shows nothing but ignorance by the person who chooses to use it. It objectifies human beings and is disgusting.  

I have heard people say that "white" women from the south are gracious yet I have met a few who will smile sweetly in your face and then stab you in the gut with their stiletto. I think Barbara Duke may be one of those. Her comments were so reflective of such a person. 

Thankfully I have also met those southern "white folks" who are authentically very gracious and would never dream of using that word because they value human beings regardless of race, color, or time period within which they grew up in the south. 

Because of that I don't place the stereotype of people like Barbara Duke and Paula Deen on all white southerners. Women like these get to be in a group all their own

.

Renee Miller Disgraceful. Mean. Ignorant. A bad witness to Christians to use scripture to make your point. Shame on you Barbara. I am pretty sure the Jesus Christ would not want you to use his words in this way. Just saying...

TY Baker · Friends with Bridget Heckman and 1 other

Thank you Renee Miller well said!

Ellen J. Harris Here's to Barbara for having the fortitude and guts to talk about life in these United States pre year 2000. And let me remind Barbara's detractors, the word is used with abandon here in the State of New York.
What is described is not only the way it was but the way it STILL is.... This is all about shakedown of someone successful being held to account for a past that everyone participated

Ellen J. Harris In, and still enjoy in private. It's not about the word, it's about hypocrisy. If the feeling is so strong, it's time to dig up dead relatives, prosecute them and their descendants. But this is hypocrisy based on dollars. Let's call this song exactly what it is.

Yvonne McGee McCoy Barbara, looks like you have a lot of Facebook "friends" who are without sin. You are a wonderful lady and don't deserve this. I don't know Paula Deen as well as I know you but I'm glad she was honest and sorry for the past. All of us have sinned but all can be forgiven if they accept the blood of Jesus Christ and proclaim Him Lord and Savior.

Ellen J. Harris Amen, Amen, Yvonne. Ditto.

Dana Ann Evans Many otherwise good people

Dana Ann Evans in my life have dropped that bomb and honestly it makes me disappointed but we all have sinned in some way. I won't throw any stones.

Percy Lipinski · Friends with Don Dobbie and 42 others

I think that Black people are strong enough to handle that slur just as most white people are strong enough to handle "honky" or whatever!

Donna Sadler Holt I personally do not like the word & would not say it. Having said that I think we are getting too politically correct & unforgiving. When people are punished for telling the truth & being honest, it creates a atmosphere of deceit & dishonesty. .

Roxanne Jones Mays The n word can be a white person also if you look the word up in the dictionary it actually means trash. I enjoyed reading your post Barbara if they something to Paula Deen over this then they need to go after any singer or actor that uses the word in his or her lyrics or movies doesn't matter if they are white, African American, or Hispanic race, creed, or color has nothing to do with that word it is a matter of hearing it used in the wrong way.

Cindy Lee Burns I like Cracker myself. LOL She is a celebrity and unfortunately there is always someone waiting to pounce on a law suit. I can't believe they are putting her through the ringer.

Cindy Lee Burns I love you Barbie.

Patricia Haddock Age is no excuse. Derogatory, demeaning and insulting comments and slurs are wrong.

Cindy Lee Burns Hahaha. Barbara Duke BASHING. Really people? Get a life. She probably reaches out to more people than most Americans, no matter what color their skin is. I appreciate her starting a great topic and not being a pansy. And no she would not condone this behavior under any circumstance because she has faced similar treatment as well. I will let her tell her own story ; If she should choose to do so.

Cindy Lee Burns By the way Renee Miller. Barbara probably does not own stilettos, and she has the right to quote scripture anyway she wants. I'm sure she will appreciate your feedback, although the message sounds judgmental and hateful.

Cindy Lee Burns As far as women stabbing one another in the back, I think that is universal. Sounds like someone as a grudge against southern women. Wait, let me take my stiletto off.

Robert Akeroyd If Paula Dean is found in the court case to condone racial discrimination by people she employs or has done then she certainly deserves to lose her contract with foodnetwork and face reasonable legal penalties. For using the N word herself she has a large public profile, however I think it would lack integrity to treat those who are in the media differently from those who are not. I think however we treat people in the media sets an example for how to treat people in private. I think racial discrimination, should not be tolerated, when we blame a person we put them on the defensive so that their more likely to become entrenched in their point of view. If we listen to a person first then it makes it easier for them to sincerely examine their attitude and within themselves come to a new position on what's appropriate. That's far better than an externally imposed agreement with the person feeling judged misunderstood fearful but without a wholehearted realization that their attitude was wrong.

Cindy Lee Burns I agree with Robert Akeroyd. Well said Robert.

Robert Akeroyd  Stephen Covey's principle "Seek first to understand and then be understood". Dale Carnegie "A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still." Finally I think whilst it's important, to for people to understand racism will not be tolerated, it's also important for us to both forgive and find value within a person, both for ourselves, if we can forgive and value others it's easier to do it for ourselves. It's also important for the other person as long as that person feels judged their far less likely to change, their more they feel valued, the more freedom they have to explore an issue an in their own time and space adopt a new attitude.

Robert Akeroyd Thanks Cindy myself as an Australian, in this instance you Americans are a lot better of than us, the man who is likely to be our next Prime Minister is condoned for talking about towing Asylum seeker boats back. He will be the second Australian prime minister to make me feel ashamed to be Australian. A popular radio shock jock said our current Prime Minister father died of shame due to her actions and got enormous support for his actions. The way we lock Asylum seekers up in Detention Centers for years and call them illegal is disgusting. Relative to the issues we have in Australia Paula Dean's use of the N word is minor condoning racial discrimination in the work place far more serious than the use of the N word.

Cindy Lee Burns I don't know much about Australia, as I find it hard enough to keep up with what is going on here. Not that I'm numb to your situation. I appreciate your input. Have a beautiful day. Big love, Cindy in Texas.

Susan Newton Watching "LINCOLN" right now - the use of the N word is said. I was shocked at first, then realized it is part of the American history, be it a dark part. We've all done, said and experienced shameful acts which we want to take back. All I can do for my own life is make amends, ask for forgiveness and do my best not to repeat mistakes. When we forgive ourselves, we forgive others. Funny how that works.

Robert Akeroyd Hi Cindy I have the same difficulty with America and every other country, although I found this thread really insightful as an example of an issue America is still dealing with. America has come a long way electing an African American president. Australia has not had a non-white Prime Minister yet or perhaps even State Premier, we have had plenty of women Premiers and have a female Prime Minister. A minor part of her in my opinion our Prime Minister undeserved unpopularity may be due to the fact she is a woman.

Robert Akeroyd Cindy (((((((((((((((((Hugs back))))))))))))))))

Maureen Shields Jacobs I cannot believe that anyone in the world hasn't used one racial slur at one time or another in their entire lifetime. People have been making "dumb blonde" jokes for years. Calling Irish folks drunks, Greek men and Italian men have been known to be "womanizers" and folks from the country are referred to as "rednecks." Do these generalities ring true? No. Have we evolved? Yes. We also used to drink and drive, smoke and drink while pregnant, work on job sites without hard hats and harnesses. Like other things, humanity evolves. Are you going to punish the great granddaughter of a slave owner just because her great grandparents owned a slave? No. Ms. Deen was honest and professed to using a racial slur during a time when we were ignorant as a country. Perhaps the powers that be need to look inwards to see how many generalities, rude terms, or even labels they have said. They may not like what they see

Robert Akeroyd Most of us at some time or point based upon physical features of another have an unconscious emotional response where we feel better than others, I know I do. We then have a choice, to be aware of it and choose to respond with warmth and respect, regardless of our reaction or attempt to justify and rationalize it. The problem arises when we attempt to justify and rationalize our prejudice. If we choose not to, our challenge is see the similarity, between ourselves and those who do and choose to also value those who do. Otherwise we are choosing a different type of prejudice and through place blame entrenching the problem.

Robert Akeroyd Love your thoughts Maureen.

Maureen Shields Jacobs I realize that, but if you are brought up in a culture that allows certain things, wrong or right, you cannot tell me that at least part of it is "commonplace" in your mind. As a Yankee living in the south, I see a huge difference in the behavior of folks between the two. The wounds are much fresher down south, the people much more sensitive, and I see much more intolerance. That being said, I also find that those folks on all sides of the fence pay no mind to it as well. To me, I think everyone is equal. Race, creed, sexual orientation, whatever. I think that the south has been slower to heal. I think the folks who use slurs loosely don't care, those who were brought up with them are learning, and those who may have used them in the past, realize the error of their ways. But to base an entire future of someone on one word or phrase said years ago does not seem kosher. But, I am also a very different person today than 20 years ago. We evolve, mature, learn, understand, and become. Perhaps Ms. Deen has become!

Robert Akeroyd It is the same with American Republican, Democrats, Australian Labor, Liberal, Christian, Atheist, do we choose to focus on our differences or commonalities? One divides us, the other unites us.

TY Baker · Friends with Bridget Heckman and 1 other

I think everyone is missing the bigger picture MSM focused on the racial aspect. It is a small drop in the bucket compared to the verbal, sexual and physical harassment that was going on. So, is it now acceptable to be continually sexually harassed by your boss and ignored no many how many times you complained? Is it acceptable to have pornography at work on computers that can be accessed by others and sent to you in emails. This isn't just people being politically incorrect this is wrong on many levels. So, please if you take away what the media is focused on and review the other aspects of the harassment you will see it is at the very least unacceptable. Why is Paula Deen responsible for the actions of others? Simple they work for her under her corporation. She was well aware of the harassment, but did nothing it wasn't only her brother it was the management team she kept in place knowing what was going on. I don't know about anyone else but if it was anyone relative or not I would not put up with any kind of harassment of my employees or people in general. No one deserves to be treated this way, she admitted this woman could do the job better than the men in her organization. But, refused to promote her because the men wouldn't listen to a woman telling them what to do. Is this 1913 or 2013?

Maureen Shields Jacobs I agree that the MSM did draw attention to the wrong issue. Furthermore, without the evidence and a seat on the jury, I cannot make an assumption on the case. My point was only directed to the "slur."

Robert Akeroyd Thanks TY it sounds like a serious case that requires action, thank you for expanding on the issue, living in Australia, those details did not appear in the article I read online.

Donna Sadler Holt I don't understand this. I have heard black people call each other the N word & that seems to be all right. However, if a white person does it its offensive. Can someone explain the difference? If I word is considered offensive, it should be in all situations. You should not be able to pick & choose the circumstances.

Maureen Shields Jacobs My husband has been called a cracker numerous times....but that is ok...right?

Robert Akeroyd Donna if you tell a joke at your own expense you will not be offended because you’re the person who told it. If someone tells the same joke at your expense you may be offended.

Please feel free to leave comments. For or against. #BoomerMom

Someone has finally admitted to being a #BoomerMom

#BoomerMom

#BoomerMom, that is me. I admit it. It has taken me a while to come to the realization that none of us are getting younger. I wrote quite a bit in my iPad yesterday, but it lost connection while driving through the mountains of Virginia, so I lost all my work because it could not save.

I want this blog to express what it is like to be a #BoomerMom. I wondered about getting older, but as I looked in the mirror over the years, I keep seeing the same person I always was. My mother, who was a product of the Great Depression, used to tell me that after my stepfather died, she didn't have anyone to blame things on, like spilling milk, hiding the paper, etc. So, one day as she was walking down the hall, she saw herself as others see us and she was not pleased. Who was that "Old Woman" in the mirror? Soon, the Old Woman became the brunt of all things that went wrong.

A few years ago, I had breast cancer and lost my hair due to chemotherapy. When it began to grow back in, it came in curly (frizzy) and since it was short and blond, I looked in the mirror and saw my grandmother looking back at me. I put the wig back on for a couple of months until I bought a hair iron. Momma always had a tight permanent and short grey hair.

"This hurts me more than It does you."

When I was growing up, my stepfather used to tell me that I would be pretty if I lost weight. No one else seemed to have a problem with my weight. In fact, I wish I weighed now what I weighed then. Sometimes it seems like I ate because I didn't want to be pretty to him. As you may have guessed, I didn't like him very much. He was not a nice man. He did get better as he got older, but that was because we didn't listen to him any more. We never could understand that my mother felt she had to stay with him to survive. I forgave him long ago for his transgressions. That is something we have to do to survive and have a good life. Forgiving someone benefits you much more than it does them.

Nowadays, people don't hang on to marriage, they bail out before it gets too bad, unless there is abuse. Women leave their husbands because they meet a better mate or because they just don't love their husbands anymore. It took me 15 years to break out of a marriage to an alcoholic. It was so difficult just to live with him. He made me miserable. Most times, men don't leave their wives and children unless there is another woman in the background. Men will stay with women, just because they think they can't do any better. What ever happened to working on a marriage? My present husband and I have a wonderful relationship. We talk about everything. no secrets.

Do you think children are a lot more protected now than when you were growing up? I remember going out in the morning and being told to be back for dinner. Sometimes we took sandwiches and laid on blankets under trees and talked and talked. We lived on a military base in England and people were always moving in or out. That means lots of boxes. We used the boxes to make all kinds of things: Tunnels, hospitals, etc. We doctored our dolls and made clothes for them. I was becoming a pretty good dress designer at the age of 10. We knew we were supposed to be home for dinner, then we could go out again until dark. My grandchildren cannot go outside without an adult and they will be 11 in July. It is not like they live in town. They live about 20 miles out from any town and cannot even play in the backyard by themselves. I worry what all this protection will do to them. Will they be afraid of responsibility when they get  older?

These were and examples of what I would like to chat with others about. Know a funny, clean joke. We want to hear it.

So come join me, sign up and follow #BloggerMom. I am still working on the set-up. If you want to guest post, send to barbarapduke@yahoo.com.

Have a great day!

BoomerMom Beginning

That is right, I am admitting that I am a Boomer! So what? I have lived a full life so far. Lets just see what we can do here. If you would like to do a guest post or comment, I would love it. Just remember if you do, the posts won't be approved if they are not written with good intentions.

I will have ads and hopefully a sponsor once in a while. Any money earned will go toward keeping me online or to charity. I hope to use any merchandise received to give prizes to those who join this blog.

You don't to be a Boomer or a Mom to join, just someone interested in fun. I am known as a Professional Encourager in all my online experiences, so if you comment, please be positive. Also, one of my favorite quotes is "Profanity is the effort of a feeble mind trying to express forcefully." Or, as one of my tweeter's says "This is a family friendly stream."

Also, we can mentor each other. I am a Brand Advocate and maybe I can help you while maybe you can help me. I am also a Professional Encourager, so you won't have to go far to get encouragement.


Most of all, I am a #BoomerMom and a child of the 60s who was born just a little late to get involved in drugs and free sex. I was married when that stuff became popular. My children are in their 40's and grandchildren are 11 (twins). I am happily married to my second husband, Ray. Actually, I was married three times, but the second one doesn't count because I annulled him (he was a bigamist).


You may share your experiences with me and others, just as we will share with you. Let me know if you are a BoomerMom too (or BoomerDad). You can send guest posts to: barbarapduke@yahoo.com. (Please don't send forwarded emails, offers for business, asking for donations, etc.) or you can make comments.

I hope to be able to share opinions, but keep it light. We don't want to get political here, although I will tell you that I am conservative. But, I don't argue. So lets keep it non-denominational.